Ok so although this post follows immediately after the last post, they both refer to an event that occured a week ago from today. These are the words that express my sentiments a week after the event.
It's been a week and I barely remember what you did. It was easy to let go and forget about you. Yesterday I wanted to pick up the phone and call you, but when I saw your picture, I couldn't. I had something I really wanted to tell you, but I wouldn't.
As I stared at your smiling face, it felt like I was looking at the past; something long gone that could never be regained.
I didn't smile.
To be honest, I wish I kept quiet because now I feel like a fool. My reaction would have been the same, and a week later I might still have been writing this, but not with this same feeling of being a victim. If no-one knew, I could act like the normal me.
But I am not a victim, not in the way people think.
I am a victim of stupidity; of thinking we could be normal; of hoping there was chance we had moved on; of believing you were over me the way I am over you.
I guess it's also my fault.
I shouldn't have come. Even though I told you what I wasn't there for, my presence led you on more than anything I could have ever said. In the cannabis-induced state with an alcohol-fuelled libido, I should have known that in 4days you would go over the edge.
It wouldn't have been the first time, now would it?
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Last Time
So for the three people who read this blog, I want to apologize for being soo MIA lately, but I've been unable to write for a long time. That's not to say there's nothing worth writing about (there's always something worth writing about) but I just haven't been able to out pen to paper, finger to keyboard. But today I had a burst of inspiration and it wasn't the best, but it makes me happy to know I still got something to hold on to. So here it is; The Last Time
Why? Why did you do it? Why did you push the boundaries so much? I loved you with more than my entire being. Yes, I said and did some harsh things, but it was beause I wanted you to grow with me. We were once children. But all kids have to grow up.... Except Peter Pan. We musn't lose our inner children but we have to grow up. I had hoped to move forward to the future together, instead what do I get?
Attempted rape.
Tears try to break the barrier but they never fall, not for this reason. I won't let them. Because it's not worth the tears. I have cried too many times over you. It ended last year and I refuse to look back. I once jokingly said, 'I try not to walk where I have walked before.' Turns out it was more true than I thought.
When I say I wanted to move forward, I didn't mean I wanted to get back with you, but I thought we could get past the past and develop a meaningful friendship where I could accept your flaws. I know I never did that well and I admit it. I was always trying to change you, make you into something I wanted you to be, rather than letting you grow at your ow speed. Well, you grew up. You really did. I'm proud of you. But why did you do that?
I said I wouldn't let the tears flow for you, and they haven't but they come when I'm walking, watching a film, listening to a certain song. On the whole, I am no longer the same as before. I smile; I joke; I keep up a normal face; but when I'm alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company, I can't shift those dark thoughts out of my mind.
I look in the mirror and I see a lie. A dirty, pathetic lie. And this is my fault. I ask myself, 'Why do I deny myself love? Why do I go to where trouble is expected?' My bad decision reflects in how others treat me. This? This was just the breaking point. This was like a whip to my back, breaking the skin and forcing me to bleed. This pain goes beyond any pain I've felt before and it might be the turning point.
Sadly, you might not be around to see it. I wish I could let you in and talk to you like we used to, long before we ever dated, but I can't. You played me for a fool too many times and I always looked past it. Of course you didn't mean it, but you did it anyway. This time, meaningful or not, you've played me for the last time.
Why? Why did you do it? Why did you push the boundaries so much? I loved you with more than my entire being. Yes, I said and did some harsh things, but it was beause I wanted you to grow with me. We were once children. But all kids have to grow up.... Except Peter Pan. We musn't lose our inner children but we have to grow up. I had hoped to move forward to the future together, instead what do I get?
Attempted rape.
Tears try to break the barrier but they never fall, not for this reason. I won't let them. Because it's not worth the tears. I have cried too many times over you. It ended last year and I refuse to look back. I once jokingly said, 'I try not to walk where I have walked before.' Turns out it was more true than I thought.
When I say I wanted to move forward, I didn't mean I wanted to get back with you, but I thought we could get past the past and develop a meaningful friendship where I could accept your flaws. I know I never did that well and I admit it. I was always trying to change you, make you into something I wanted you to be, rather than letting you grow at your ow speed. Well, you grew up. You really did. I'm proud of you. But why did you do that?
I said I wouldn't let the tears flow for you, and they haven't but they come when I'm walking, watching a film, listening to a certain song. On the whole, I am no longer the same as before. I smile; I joke; I keep up a normal face; but when I'm alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company, I can't shift those dark thoughts out of my mind.
I look in the mirror and I see a lie. A dirty, pathetic lie. And this is my fault. I ask myself, 'Why do I deny myself love? Why do I go to where trouble is expected?' My bad decision reflects in how others treat me. This? This was just the breaking point. This was like a whip to my back, breaking the skin and forcing me to bleed. This pain goes beyond any pain I've felt before and it might be the turning point.
Sadly, you might not be around to see it. I wish I could let you in and talk to you like we used to, long before we ever dated, but I can't. You played me for a fool too many times and I always looked past it. Of course you didn't mean it, but you did it anyway. This time, meaningful or not, you've played me for the last time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)